We were sitting in our comfortably normal positions; scouring the scavenged porn and men’s health magazines, when one of my co-workers started the day off with an interesting discussion. He had a Men’s Health magazine in his hand, and he appeared to be paraphrasing from it.
“In 1948, studies showed that the average penis length was 6.2 inches. In 1996 a similar study showed that the average was 5.1 inches,” he put down the magazine. “Those studies tell me that a few things are possible: Either men do not lie as much as they used to, which is not likely; or evolution is not being kind to us.”
“Thank God that pornography never ends.”
~
T-Bone (Inmate Titus Q. Bonowitz) was so tough, after he got his ass kicked by a team of guys, to avoid going to medical and missing his visit, he sewed the inside of his lip back together with dental floss just so he wouldn’t have to let on he was beat up.
“When you’ve lost a level of compassion where you get that angry over the remote control or a smoke, you’re no longer human.”
“Hey, Titus Q, what’s up?”
“How you know my middle letter Q?” “I read the files. What’s the Q for?” “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” “Mama din’t say.”
~
We had a favored inmate whose nickname was The Big Holiday. The nickname fit because he was always festive, and a pleasure to be around. I wanted to call him VanBro because he was such an amazing artist. He reminded people of a large animated character, perhaps from the Cosby Kids, and his always groomed afro looked like a Chia Pet. We would tease him about which Holiday he represented, and how he used to be Arbor Day when he was a child, since it is an insignificant state holiday. Holiday taught me one of the gang-related handshakes that he used with his bangers, and I enjoyed doing it until the boss caught us.
“You can still come in the clubhouse, but I can no longer perform the secret handshake.”
~
Tropical Patterson goes by many names. I have heard him called The Schwam, The Matrix, The People’s Choice, and The Glow Worm. I am not positive that he is really that arrogant, and I have no real idea if that potential arrogance is merited; but I have heard him state, “You can’t split the trophy. There can only be one.”
“Why did your wife stab you?”
“Because I was the women’s, I mean the people’s choice.”
“And were you receptive to being the people’s choice?”
“Don’t ask me for honesty if you’re gonna tell me my lies are wrong.”
~
“Some staff member crawled into bed with me and grabbed both my thumbs in some Indian thumb hold. My thumbs haven’t been the same since.”
~
“My medication must be too strong – I woke up this morning and my celly was knee-deep in my ass.”
~
“Is that mines?”
“How can you say that?”
“It just came flowing out of my mouth.” “The word mine does not need to be plural.”
“I’m gonna stick with my words, cuz that’s how I get down.”
~
“I was awoken by the shimmy of the bunk. I was on the bottom, facing the wall, when something started sliding down the wall. Then the bunk stopped moving.”
~
“I don’t believe this experience has made me decidedly less Christian, but it has definitely played on my sympathy level.”
“I’ve recently reverted to Christianity.”
“That just means you’re not into little boys anymore.”
~
“My bro is 5’12.” My daddy is 76 years old and kin bench 485 lbs. He’ll kick your ass.”
~
“Where you from?” “Wyoming,” with a hardy laugh. “Why do you say it like that?”
“Have you ever been to Wyoming? There is a general lack of education and dental care.”
~
“Batiste, can I have a hug?” “No.”
“But I’m going to jam, baby!”
“When you discharge, I’ll give you a hug.”
“Can I give you a good-game then?”
~
“What if your best friend was a quadruple amputee with a screaming hard-on? Would you rub one out for him then?”
~
“I went to the shower Saturday morning, and I opened the door. Lanyang Liu was puttin’ a foot-and-a-half of Asian pipe in a white boy ass.”
“He won’t move shit for years.” “God, I bet you’d cramp up like mad!”
~
“What do you want for Christmas?” “I want the box the kids came in.”
~
“So, what were you doing? I mean, it looked pretty suspicious. I looked in your cell, pants were off, and hard was on.”
~
“What shook his faith in Islam?” “Did he have any?”
“Well, he used to be a Negative American.”
~
“He has to make payments on his mama’s trailer and the transmission sitting in the front yard. He also wants out by August so he can mow.”
~
“You need a new Easy-Bake Oven.”
“They won’t let us cook with light bulbs.”
~
“What if you catch something from the toilet seat?” “I rarely sit on the seat anyway. It’s typically a one-knee
operation.”
~
“I gotta move; I’m livin’ in the House of Yahweh.”
~
“I’ll pop your eye out and skull-fuck you, just so you can see where I’m coming from.”
~
“That fart smelled like shaved, toothless gerbils coated in KY.”
“The elastic in those shorts did not hold that in…that bubbled, spit, and ran right down your leg.”
~
“How long have you known him?”
“Up until he ran his mouth; it’s not as if he’s a privilege to talk to.”
~
We had an Inmate in the school’s GED program. “They fired me from school and I had only two testes left.”
“Ok, I have two questions for you: How many did you start with and who is taking them from you?”
~
“Do you have any C batteries?” “C cells are for WADS.” “Huh?”
“Woman Assist Devices.”
~
“What do you know about snakes?”
“Very little; they don’t have opposable thumbs.”
~
“What’s that, a hickey?” “No.”
“Tell your celly to leave you alone.” “We only spoon.”
“At least you’re not forking.”
~
“Ya know, ‘I give a shit what you think’ is a valued feeling that you give to people. I have family members that do not get that.”
~
“When you move in with me, I’ll buy you a pair of shoes if you jack-off on my feet.”
~
“You just don’t have enough time left in your life to kick the shit out of every fool you come across.”
~
“I’m going to my cell and read my Bible. Then I’m going to Heaven, and I’m going to wait for you, so I can fuck you up when you get there.”
~
“I wonder if beavers feel bad? I mean, they get a bad rap. Ya can’t tell me that any of them really shave.”
~
“Read my lips.”
“I can’t read your lips, it’s too dark, and there is too much light behind you. You’re nothing but a silhouette. All I see is your ears wigglin’.”
~
“Apparently, you’re under the impression that I have considerably more control than I actually have, and you’re giving my memory far more credit than it deserves.”
~
“C’mon, I’m a good guy; I’ve got my two-gallon donor pin!”
~
“His game was so bad all his ex-girlfriends are lesbians.”
~
“Man, you’re not a fish, you’re the entire fucking aquarium!”
~
“The only real down-side to this job is that you’ll never have a “bring-your-daughter-to-work” day.”
~
“Bubba? Your name is Bubba? Let me guess; you shot a jukebox? Okay, we can let you go now, but first, you have to spell watermelon.”
~
“Hey Boss, I got a rebel reprimand for language and custering.”
“Didn’t you get room restriction?”
“I deed not get any of that shit!”
~
“I shaved my asshole, and pimped myself out for a $20 spot; it was enough at the time. As Paul Simon would say, I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there.”
~
“But I go to church every Sunday!”
“Just going to church don’t make you Christian, not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
~
“God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
~
“What is the punishment for a lesser crime, one in which you aren’t convicted of anything, but one that tarnishes your reputation, or an allegation that questions your moral character?”
“You have to work here.”
~
“I have influence on you Batiste.”
“I see you’ve familiarized yourself with the butterfly effect.”
~
“Slow down; I forgot my Duck-to-English dictionary today.”
~
“I banged my head, and now I think I’m beginning to see your imaginary friends. Trouble is, they all look like they are nine-years old!”
~
“That sounded like you launched the corn right through your jeans. If you took the Willy Wonka tour, something bad would happen to you.”
~
“She married a Jew, so I have to pay a Rib-Eye.”
~
“Why did you go on early lines?” “I was told to.”
“Are you diabetic?” “I’m sposed to be.” “ARE YOU?” “No.”
“Who told you to go on early lines?” “I don’t remember.”
“You imagined it, never go again, and STOP looking like you’re trying to sneak out!”
~
“I’m morally superior to you because you commit crimes on a regular basis and do not pay the price for them. I’m paying the price for every crime I ever committed. You commit crimes and get away with it, so you’re not paying. That makes me morally superior to you.”
~
“You’re a closet duck.”
“What do you mean, I ain’t no duck.”
“Well, you act tough, showing your mean mug and all, but I think you’re really a duck. You’re scared that you’ll meet somebody tougher than you at every turn.”
~
“That fat-ass bitch gave my job away” “How can you call her fat?”
“Her ass be way up in the air, like when you put a bicycle seat all the way up. That shit is way up in the air.”
~
“Have you ever mooned a blind guy?” “No, where the hell did that come from?”
“Well, you’re yelling at a guy you know can’t hear shit, what’s the difference?”
~
“I am not eating state food anymore, and I have not lost an ounce. I’m thinking I’m just shitting less. My colon is probably very happy.”
~
“They have profiled themselves. As sure as Leonard Nimoy is Spock, they are Faggot-Cowboys now, and they’ll never get another tough-guy role.”
~
“If you let me off the burglary charge, I’ll tell you where the body is.”
“What body?”
~
“Hey, I got two speeds; if you don’t like this one, you sure as a fuck won’t be happy with the other.”
~
“Man, you don’t do shit. All you gotta do is look in a few lockers, burp a few babies, and fill outcher paperwork.”
~
“Count, I think you gave me the wrong meds.” “Yes, I have quite a conundrum here.”
“Now is not the time to brag or bribe, Count. What I really need is my meds.”
“Go have a seat. I’ll call the nurse and see what we can
do.”
I called the nurse, “I just accidentally gave an inmate two lithiums.”
She said, “He’ll be all right, he’ll just be really sleepy.” “Okay.”
“What’s he doing right now?”
“He’s sitting, watching TV…uh…wait, he’s sliding out of the chair onto the floor…uh…he’s sleeping on the floor in the TV room.”
~
“That’s a big pinky nail for a man who’s not God.”
~
“You’re not mentally retarded; stop hiding behind that big ass head.”
~
“You’re so horny, you’d fuck the left eye of a jack-o-lantern.”
“Maybe even the right one.”
~
“Hey Batiste, I got a joke for ya.” “Let’s hear it.”
“A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich orders a beer, and the cat says, I want a jack and coke, but I ain’t gonna pay for it. The bar tender says, $12.75, and the guy pulls out exact change. Without counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. A little bit later, the bar tender comes back and asks if he can get them another round. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich orders a beer, and the cat says, I want a jack and coke, but I ain’t gonna pay for it. The bar tender says, the happy hour price is $10.25, and the guy pulls out exact change. Without counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. The bar tender gets curious and says to the guy, hey can I ask you a couple questions? The guy says sure. The bar tender says, every time I tell you how much you always have exact change. What’s up with that? Well, ya see, I found this Genie one time, and one of my wishes was to always have exact change in my pocket when I go to pay for something. The bar tender says, fuck that was a great wish. What’s up with the ostrich and the cat. Well, says the guy, my second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
~
“When the guns and knives and eight-foot brothers come out, I got their back…ya know why? Cause they got mine.”
“Be advised, this medication is labeled last dose. If you want more, you’ll have to kite pharmacy.”
“Last dose, what’s that mean?”
“It means you started menopause and you no longer need birth control.”
“Put on all of your state issue for this pass.” “Where am I going?”
“They want to test the chair, and they need a dummy-load!”
“In 1948, studies showed that the average penis length was 6.2 inches. In 1996 a similar study showed that the average was 5.1 inches,” he put down the magazine. “Those studies tell me that a few things are possible: Either men do not lie as much as they used to, which is not likely; or evolution is not being kind to us.”
“Thank God that pornography never ends.”
~
T-Bone (Inmate Titus Q. Bonowitz) was so tough, after he got his ass kicked by a team of guys, to avoid going to medical and missing his visit, he sewed the inside of his lip back together with dental floss just so he wouldn’t have to let on he was beat up.
“When you’ve lost a level of compassion where you get that angry over the remote control or a smoke, you’re no longer human.”
“Hey, Titus Q, what’s up?”
“How you know my middle letter Q?” “I read the files. What’s the Q for?” “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” “Mama din’t say.”
~
We had a favored inmate whose nickname was The Big Holiday. The nickname fit because he was always festive, and a pleasure to be around. I wanted to call him VanBro because he was such an amazing artist. He reminded people of a large animated character, perhaps from the Cosby Kids, and his always groomed afro looked like a Chia Pet. We would tease him about which Holiday he represented, and how he used to be Arbor Day when he was a child, since it is an insignificant state holiday. Holiday taught me one of the gang-related handshakes that he used with his bangers, and I enjoyed doing it until the boss caught us.
“You can still come in the clubhouse, but I can no longer perform the secret handshake.”
~
Tropical Patterson goes by many names. I have heard him called The Schwam, The Matrix, The People’s Choice, and The Glow Worm. I am not positive that he is really that arrogant, and I have no real idea if that potential arrogance is merited; but I have heard him state, “You can’t split the trophy. There can only be one.”
“Why did your wife stab you?”
“Because I was the women’s, I mean the people’s choice.”
“And were you receptive to being the people’s choice?”
“Don’t ask me for honesty if you’re gonna tell me my lies are wrong.”
~
“Some staff member crawled into bed with me and grabbed both my thumbs in some Indian thumb hold. My thumbs haven’t been the same since.”
~
“My medication must be too strong – I woke up this morning and my celly was knee-deep in my ass.”
~
“Is that mines?”
“How can you say that?”
“It just came flowing out of my mouth.” “The word mine does not need to be plural.”
“I’m gonna stick with my words, cuz that’s how I get down.”
~
“I was awoken by the shimmy of the bunk. I was on the bottom, facing the wall, when something started sliding down the wall. Then the bunk stopped moving.”
~
“I don’t believe this experience has made me decidedly less Christian, but it has definitely played on my sympathy level.”
“I’ve recently reverted to Christianity.”
“That just means you’re not into little boys anymore.”
~
“My bro is 5’12.” My daddy is 76 years old and kin bench 485 lbs. He’ll kick your ass.”
~
“Where you from?” “Wyoming,” with a hardy laugh. “Why do you say it like that?”
“Have you ever been to Wyoming? There is a general lack of education and dental care.”
~
“Batiste, can I have a hug?” “No.”
“But I’m going to jam, baby!”
“When you discharge, I’ll give you a hug.”
“Can I give you a good-game then?”
~
“What if your best friend was a quadruple amputee with a screaming hard-on? Would you rub one out for him then?”
~
“I went to the shower Saturday morning, and I opened the door. Lanyang Liu was puttin’ a foot-and-a-half of Asian pipe in a white boy ass.”
“He won’t move shit for years.” “God, I bet you’d cramp up like mad!”
~
“What do you want for Christmas?” “I want the box the kids came in.”
~
“So, what were you doing? I mean, it looked pretty suspicious. I looked in your cell, pants were off, and hard was on.”
~
“What shook his faith in Islam?” “Did he have any?”
“Well, he used to be a Negative American.”
~
“He has to make payments on his mama’s trailer and the transmission sitting in the front yard. He also wants out by August so he can mow.”
~
“You need a new Easy-Bake Oven.”
“They won’t let us cook with light bulbs.”
~
“What if you catch something from the toilet seat?” “I rarely sit on the seat anyway. It’s typically a one-knee
operation.”
~
“I gotta move; I’m livin’ in the House of Yahweh.”
~
“I’ll pop your eye out and skull-fuck you, just so you can see where I’m coming from.”
~
“That fart smelled like shaved, toothless gerbils coated in KY.”
“The elastic in those shorts did not hold that in…that bubbled, spit, and ran right down your leg.”
~
“How long have you known him?”
“Up until he ran his mouth; it’s not as if he’s a privilege to talk to.”
~
We had an Inmate in the school’s GED program. “They fired me from school and I had only two testes left.”
“Ok, I have two questions for you: How many did you start with and who is taking them from you?”
~
“Do you have any C batteries?” “C cells are for WADS.” “Huh?”
“Woman Assist Devices.”
~
“What do you know about snakes?”
“Very little; they don’t have opposable thumbs.”
~
“What’s that, a hickey?” “No.”
“Tell your celly to leave you alone.” “We only spoon.”
“At least you’re not forking.”
~
“Ya know, ‘I give a shit what you think’ is a valued feeling that you give to people. I have family members that do not get that.”
~
“When you move in with me, I’ll buy you a pair of shoes if you jack-off on my feet.”
~
“You just don’t have enough time left in your life to kick the shit out of every fool you come across.”
~
“I’m going to my cell and read my Bible. Then I’m going to Heaven, and I’m going to wait for you, so I can fuck you up when you get there.”
~
“I wonder if beavers feel bad? I mean, they get a bad rap. Ya can’t tell me that any of them really shave.”
~
“Read my lips.”
“I can’t read your lips, it’s too dark, and there is too much light behind you. You’re nothing but a silhouette. All I see is your ears wigglin’.”
~
“Apparently, you’re under the impression that I have considerably more control than I actually have, and you’re giving my memory far more credit than it deserves.”
~
“C’mon, I’m a good guy; I’ve got my two-gallon donor pin!”
~
“His game was so bad all his ex-girlfriends are lesbians.”
~
“Man, you’re not a fish, you’re the entire fucking aquarium!”
~
“The only real down-side to this job is that you’ll never have a “bring-your-daughter-to-work” day.”
~
“Bubba? Your name is Bubba? Let me guess; you shot a jukebox? Okay, we can let you go now, but first, you have to spell watermelon.”
~
“Hey Boss, I got a rebel reprimand for language and custering.”
“Didn’t you get room restriction?”
“I deed not get any of that shit!”
~
“I shaved my asshole, and pimped myself out for a $20 spot; it was enough at the time. As Paul Simon would say, I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there.”
~
“But I go to church every Sunday!”
“Just going to church don’t make you Christian, not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
~
“God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
~
“What is the punishment for a lesser crime, one in which you aren’t convicted of anything, but one that tarnishes your reputation, or an allegation that questions your moral character?”
“You have to work here.”
~
“I have influence on you Batiste.”
“I see you’ve familiarized yourself with the butterfly effect.”
~
“Slow down; I forgot my Duck-to-English dictionary today.”
~
“I banged my head, and now I think I’m beginning to see your imaginary friends. Trouble is, they all look like they are nine-years old!”
~
“That sounded like you launched the corn right through your jeans. If you took the Willy Wonka tour, something bad would happen to you.”
~
“She married a Jew, so I have to pay a Rib-Eye.”
~
“Why did you go on early lines?” “I was told to.”
“Are you diabetic?” “I’m sposed to be.” “ARE YOU?” “No.”
“Who told you to go on early lines?” “I don’t remember.”
“You imagined it, never go again, and STOP looking like you’re trying to sneak out!”
~
“I’m morally superior to you because you commit crimes on a regular basis and do not pay the price for them. I’m paying the price for every crime I ever committed. You commit crimes and get away with it, so you’re not paying. That makes me morally superior to you.”
~
“You’re a closet duck.”
“What do you mean, I ain’t no duck.”
“Well, you act tough, showing your mean mug and all, but I think you’re really a duck. You’re scared that you’ll meet somebody tougher than you at every turn.”
~
“That fat-ass bitch gave my job away” “How can you call her fat?”
“Her ass be way up in the air, like when you put a bicycle seat all the way up. That shit is way up in the air.”
~
“Have you ever mooned a blind guy?” “No, where the hell did that come from?”
“Well, you’re yelling at a guy you know can’t hear shit, what’s the difference?”
~
“I am not eating state food anymore, and I have not lost an ounce. I’m thinking I’m just shitting less. My colon is probably very happy.”
~
“They have profiled themselves. As sure as Leonard Nimoy is Spock, they are Faggot-Cowboys now, and they’ll never get another tough-guy role.”
~
“If you let me off the burglary charge, I’ll tell you where the body is.”
“What body?”
~
“Hey, I got two speeds; if you don’t like this one, you sure as a fuck won’t be happy with the other.”
~
“Man, you don’t do shit. All you gotta do is look in a few lockers, burp a few babies, and fill outcher paperwork.”
~
“Count, I think you gave me the wrong meds.” “Yes, I have quite a conundrum here.”
“Now is not the time to brag or bribe, Count. What I really need is my meds.”
“Go have a seat. I’ll call the nurse and see what we can
do.”
I called the nurse, “I just accidentally gave an inmate two lithiums.”
She said, “He’ll be all right, he’ll just be really sleepy.” “Okay.”
“What’s he doing right now?”
“He’s sitting, watching TV…uh…wait, he’s sliding out of the chair onto the floor…uh…he’s sleeping on the floor in the TV room.”
~
“That’s a big pinky nail for a man who’s not God.”
~
“You’re not mentally retarded; stop hiding behind that big ass head.”
~
“You’re so horny, you’d fuck the left eye of a jack-o-lantern.”
“Maybe even the right one.”
~
“Hey Batiste, I got a joke for ya.” “Let’s hear it.”
“A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich orders a beer, and the cat says, I want a jack and coke, but I ain’t gonna pay for it. The bar tender says, $12.75, and the guy pulls out exact change. Without counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. A little bit later, the bar tender comes back and asks if he can get them another round. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich orders a beer, and the cat says, I want a jack and coke, but I ain’t gonna pay for it. The bar tender says, the happy hour price is $10.25, and the guy pulls out exact change. Without counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. The bar tender gets curious and says to the guy, hey can I ask you a couple questions? The guy says sure. The bar tender says, every time I tell you how much you always have exact change. What’s up with that? Well, ya see, I found this Genie one time, and one of my wishes was to always have exact change in my pocket when I go to pay for something. The bar tender says, fuck that was a great wish. What’s up with the ostrich and the cat. Well, says the guy, my second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
~
“When the guns and knives and eight-foot brothers come out, I got their back…ya know why? Cause they got mine.”
“Be advised, this medication is labeled last dose. If you want more, you’ll have to kite pharmacy.”
“Last dose, what’s that mean?”
“It means you started menopause and you no longer need birth control.”
“Put on all of your state issue for this pass.” “Where am I going?”
“They want to test the chair, and they need a dummy-load!”
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