Neptune

I do not know why my high school science teachers did not feel that it was necessary to inform the student body that Neptune was actually farther away from the Sun than Pluto during my high school years, but the fact remains that they did not. Perhaps, they did not know it themselves. Astronomical facts such as these have little impact on our lives, and that particular one has even less, because as of February 1999, Pluto had regained status as the farthest planet from the Sun, and would have retained that title for roughly the next 300 years if it were not for the fact that Pluto was recently dropped from the list of planets completely. I only bring this up because I am certain that at my 20- year reunion, my classmates were arguing which of the two planets was my current residence.

By virtue of running my mouth, my class president decided to schedule times when classmates could stand and talk about themselves, and what they had been up to over the last 20 years since graduation. Again, by virtue of running my pie-hole, I was volun-told to go first. They knew I was snapping when I addressed the class. I stepped to the make-shift podium, and turned my attention to a table where my two worst high school antagonists sat with their wives. During part of my “Life Update” presentation, I made the following comments:

“There have been a few times in my adult life when you two have crossed my mind. The first, I recall was a few years back. I had some unfavorable circumstances at a previous employer that created a very negative, long-term situation for my family. My father told me this: “Charlie, I have a friend in Michigan who is an associate Superintendent in the Detroit Public School system. He is the straight member of a large family with tremendous influence in the Detroit area mob. He tells me that some people just need killin’, and that my judgment is such that I probably have a couple of freebies coming. Give me a name and an address.” The second time I thought of you two was much more recently. You see, I am now an employee at the State Penitentiary. I have been approached by a branch of a small gang. Propositioned might be a more accurate term. You see, occasionally, I get comfortable and run my mouth too much about my personal life. They caught on and mentioned that they could arrange certain things in exchange for my cooperation. I declined at the time, but you know how they operate. They might just have you bumped off and then tell me that I owe them one.”

She did not have a name, but she was so real. She started going to my school in my sophomore year. She was a year older, in the junior class. She had long blonde hair, green eyes, large fi rm breasts, and a kickin’ back side. Slightly heavier than the typical high school anorexic, just the way I had always wanted. I was a virgin, and this dream was so real and so in depth, and so long, I did not know I was dreaming. It seemed to last an entire semester, but was complete in one night. We made out and she would let me get my hands in her shirt while she tugged on my pecker. Then it happened. After basketball practice, I sat in an empty locker room. She walked in with a lusty look in her eyes, claiming it was time she took my virginity. That is when I noticed the large bulge in her shorts. She pulled down her shorts to reveal the biggest cock I had ever seen. Imagine three beer cans stacked, and you will begin to get the idea. As she started to approach, I turned to run. I tripped on some towels and fell. Before I could get up I felt her hand in the middle of my back, holding me down, while her other hand jerked my shorts down. As the helmet of her cock pushed through, and the shaft made its way into my ass, I woke to fi nd I was shitting myself and sweating. The scary part was that I had a monster erection. I do not know what that means. I hate to think. I do know that the 16-year old in me was broken hearted. If I had known I was dreaming, I might have had better control (and she defi nitely would not have had a penis.).

“In the interest of self-preservation, I’m going to avoid that.”