Shaking down cells is not my favorite thing to do, but discovering and eliminating contraband is a necessary part of the job. Staff members are supposed to look for contraband, and ensure the inmates are meeting a cleanliness standard. More often than not, I use the time to catch up on ESPN highlights, because I do not have cable at home. While listening to the inmate’s television I scrounge around, making sure they are not hiding things they should not have in their cells. Typically, they will try to store cleaning supplies, over-the-counter medication, or cardboard toilet paper rolls, among other trivial violations. Once in awhile, you will find a good fifi, but I allow the inmates to keep those, hoping it will cut down on their sexual activities with each other. A fifi is a homemade pussy constructed out of toilet paper and a rubber glove. I am told that suction is created and that it can be very realistic.
Many of the inmates have learned how to make “volumizers” out of the toilet paper rolls. The cardboard tube placed between the ear pieces of their headphones amplifies the sound quite nicely. They are not allowed to purchase or possess external speakers, and it is a pain in the butt (not to mention the ears) to have to wear the headphones all the time.
I was searching through inmate Putnam’s hygiene items when I found a modified razor. Now you might not think a modified razor is a big deal. He had simply removed the blade from the safety razor, and tied it to a toothbrush. Razors modified in this fashion are commonly used to cut hair because there are not enough barbers available to the inmates. There is a slim chance that it will be used as a weapon, but it is not likely.
Before I confiscate items, I like to discuss things with the inmate. Often times, I learn a lot, and on occasion, paper work and time is saved. I called inmate Putnam to his cell. He began a lie about preparing his arm to appear female.
“You shave an arm and hide the upper portion with your covers. This will give you additional visual stimulation. If you paint your nails, and use a lot of lotion, you might even accomplish the appearance of a woman’s arm. Then, use a rubber band to cut off the circulation, and you’ll have the most realistic hand-job you can get, without just letting your celly do it for you.”
I was not buying it, and he saw it in my face. Putnam then explained that he was using the device to dissect the mice on which he was running an experiment. Curiosity got to me, and he was more than willing to share the process. You see, Putnam used to be a high school biology teacher, prior to his arrest. This should have qualified him for professional deference, but I just could not give it to him. Something about him was like chewing on tin foil.
He explained to me that he caught the mice in traps he fashioned with peanut butter as the bait. Once caught, he placed the mice between ice-filled zip-lock bags to freeze them. It was at this point where he used the modified razor to shave and make the incision above the right rear leg, at which point, he removed their spleens. Cauterizing the wound was easy as well. Putnam simply used a wire from one of his appliances. With one end inserted into the wall outlet, the other end was his hot knife. When the mice thawed out, Putnam timed how long they would live without their spleens. I was still amazed, and my biology was a little fuzzy, given how long ago I was educated in that subject.
“Why do you remove their spleens?”
“Without a spleen, they effectively become diabetic. I am submitting my research to the American Diabetes Association, in the hopes that they will publish my findings.”
“Don’t you suppose that somebody has done this research before?”
“Not in a prison.”
According to Putnam’s research, the longest a mouse lived after being thawed was 21 minutes.
“Act like you don’t know you’re missing anything and wait for the thief to tip you off. He’ll say something like, “Hey, you got any coffee?” The bad reaction would be to say, “Fuck No, somebody stole it!” The good reaction would be to say, “Sure, can I fix you some?” Then go make him a cup and piss in it. You ain’t gotta steal from me. If you just ask, I’ll give you the back of my shirt.”
Many of the inmates have learned how to make “volumizers” out of the toilet paper rolls. The cardboard tube placed between the ear pieces of their headphones amplifies the sound quite nicely. They are not allowed to purchase or possess external speakers, and it is a pain in the butt (not to mention the ears) to have to wear the headphones all the time.
I was searching through inmate Putnam’s hygiene items when I found a modified razor. Now you might not think a modified razor is a big deal. He had simply removed the blade from the safety razor, and tied it to a toothbrush. Razors modified in this fashion are commonly used to cut hair because there are not enough barbers available to the inmates. There is a slim chance that it will be used as a weapon, but it is not likely.
Before I confiscate items, I like to discuss things with the inmate. Often times, I learn a lot, and on occasion, paper work and time is saved. I called inmate Putnam to his cell. He began a lie about preparing his arm to appear female.
“You shave an arm and hide the upper portion with your covers. This will give you additional visual stimulation. If you paint your nails, and use a lot of lotion, you might even accomplish the appearance of a woman’s arm. Then, use a rubber band to cut off the circulation, and you’ll have the most realistic hand-job you can get, without just letting your celly do it for you.”
I was not buying it, and he saw it in my face. Putnam then explained that he was using the device to dissect the mice on which he was running an experiment. Curiosity got to me, and he was more than willing to share the process. You see, Putnam used to be a high school biology teacher, prior to his arrest. This should have qualified him for professional deference, but I just could not give it to him. Something about him was like chewing on tin foil.
He explained to me that he caught the mice in traps he fashioned with peanut butter as the bait. Once caught, he placed the mice between ice-filled zip-lock bags to freeze them. It was at this point where he used the modified razor to shave and make the incision above the right rear leg, at which point, he removed their spleens. Cauterizing the wound was easy as well. Putnam simply used a wire from one of his appliances. With one end inserted into the wall outlet, the other end was his hot knife. When the mice thawed out, Putnam timed how long they would live without their spleens. I was still amazed, and my biology was a little fuzzy, given how long ago I was educated in that subject.
“Why do you remove their spleens?”
“Without a spleen, they effectively become diabetic. I am submitting my research to the American Diabetes Association, in the hopes that they will publish my findings.”
“Don’t you suppose that somebody has done this research before?”
“Not in a prison.”
According to Putnam’s research, the longest a mouse lived after being thawed was 21 minutes.
“Act like you don’t know you’re missing anything and wait for the thief to tip you off. He’ll say something like, “Hey, you got any coffee?” The bad reaction would be to say, “Fuck No, somebody stole it!” The good reaction would be to say, “Sure, can I fix you some?” Then go make him a cup and piss in it. You ain’t gotta steal from me. If you just ask, I’ll give you the back of my shirt.”
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