Maybe I do belong in corrections. After all, I am over 50 years old, and I still think it is funny to bust ass in public. I do not do it in church (when I go) or in public restaurants (much), but nevertheless, it is funny.
Working in the Department of Correctional Services (DCS) has gained me many friends and acquaintances, in khaki as well as blue. The most entertaining thing inmates do is screw with each other’s minds. Inmates, in my experience, rarely fuck with staff in blue. It is too risky. You do not know who is watching or with whom you can have fun.
I overheard inmate Brock Shurvington telling another inmate, Joe “The Hammer” Ruth, about his conversation with Grandma regarding where to hide the dope when she comes to the visiting room.
“No, Grandma, they’ll look in your purse.” “What about my hat?”
“No, Grandma, they’ll look in your hat too. Can you think of anyplace in your body where they would not suspect.”
“I’m pretty fat…I could stick it between some of the folds of my fat.”
“No, Grandma, I’m talking about orifices.” “What’s an orifice?”
“An opening in your body.”
“If I put it in my mouth, I won’t be able to respond to their questions.”
“No, Grandma, not your mouth, just put it in your vagina!”
“My God boy, why in the world would I put it in there. I’m gonna wash your mouth out with soap!”
When speaking to an inmate about keistering items in your ass, I learned that there is quite a process. Masking tape is bad because it conforms too closely to the scud (item to be inserted in the keister). Duct tape is no good, because it sticks to your insides and pulls stuff out with it. Black electrical tape is best, because it’s smooth. You grease your ass good, then wipe to clean the outside. Your visitor and you face each other while watching over each other’s shoulders to monitor the guards. Your female visitor releases the scud from her vaginal opening, and quickly retrieves it from the crotch of her panties. No difficulties yet. She holds hands with you, while passing the scud (now vaginally lubricated). With the scud in hand, you reach behind your back and place your hand down your low-sagging pants and insert the scud into your ass. Hopefully, your friend made the scud with a tapered end, and not too big around.
“The only time I got caught was when my girlfriend made the scud too big. I could not get it in my ass, so I had to pass it back to her. Allowing the partially inserted scud to leave my ass made me fart really loud. I mean, I let a fart that would scare you like an elementary school fire alarm. And the smell; it was like smoking a turd cigar in hell. All I could think was, boy, you really stepped on it now. That one is going to itch when it dries. It was leaking through my drawers like radioactive waste. It definitely touched cotton. The sound of the fart-blast and the black-taped scud caught the guard’s attention, and I got a write-up. My girlfriend got yelled at, and was told she could not come back. She was removed from my visiting list permanently. My suspicions regarding her cheating ways got a major boost when she claimed in her next letter that the mammoth scud fit her easily. It was big as my fist.”
Regardless of what Hollywood wants you to think, I have never seen nor heard of “forced” man-on-man butt-sex, rape, head, hand-jobs, etc. Every instance of sex I have heard of or witnessed was voluntary, with the exception of Jerry Gay.
Jerry Gay doped up his new-fish celly and fondled him until he woke up. If the new celly did not wake up, Jerry would perform oral sex until his mouth was full. If the fish still did not wake, Jerry would roll him over, lubricate, and begin to stuff about ten inches of penis is his ass. He would buy some serious shit from inmates in the house who were prescribed medication that would knock you out. The only thing that would make Jerry Gay happier than a pile of sleeping pills would be a bag of dicks.
“They’re not lies, if we know the truth.” - J.P. Ricciardi – GM, Toronto Bluejays
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